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iz
Fragments of memories
Fling themselves around me
Like tattered shreds of dreams
What this music does to me
I cannot explain.
I lied today
To hide my love
That spilled out of me
Like first showers
I concealed its hidden tinges
I tightened the noose around its neck
Iz
He will not.
In loneliness
The beauty of time
Stands still
Like a broken hourglass.
Will my old poems die
When their meaning is gone?
Why has life not chosen me
For the high valleys
Of warmth and sunshine
Why do I bleed?
Gripped by the thorny throttle
Of a life
That is neither here nor there.
iz
Are there sunshines?
Or the imaginary butterflies
And colours that grow
In the garden of my mind?
Are there blue skies?
Around me
There is darkness
And the bleached pallor
Of a faded shroud.
There are broken twigs
Torn pages
Crumpled desires
Thrown about in indifference
And haste.
There is ruthlessness.
There is a lady called death
Walking by
With a twisted smile.
There is a self
Bent by the weight of tears
There is loneliness
Gazing at the ticking clock.
There are voices
Of denied tomorrows
Of deluded yesterdays
And vivid dreams
I am in love with sadness
And death…
iz
Why do I wish
To be carried away
To a land of fresh love?
Why do many formless candles
Or inane drops of hope
Suspended in nothingness
Not show me
That molten mirrors
Are neither warm
Nor icy cold.
All reflections on the ripples
Of a hazy past
Descend down deeper
Into a frozen stillness called me.
iz
I believed I would sleep
After tomorrow dawned
Yet I am awake
Plastered to reality
To walk through
Another day full of strangers.
Here I live
In a world of accusations
Of guilt that licks my insides
Like an uncertain promise.
iz you blossomed
Only like a broken reed
Not with bags of jingling lies
Not like fresh roses
Or fragrant rooms of opulence.
You swept in like a pain
That shows me myself
Like a shattered mirror
With many pieces of me.
iz with you..
There is no lazy comfort
Or masks of self-deception
There is no dull bliss
Or easy smiles.
With you there is beautiful sorrow
Dry petals
Dying days
Truth.
I have taken up yet another argument because I think it is important to understand the circumstances around which people usually attempt for a suicide. Personally, I disagree with the general perception of the world, on suicide being “cowardice” or “crime”.
If a man commits suicide, it is the people around him who are to blame and not him. Once again, society has successfully managed to escape with its ability to drive an individual to madness or to suicide.
What is society? It is a group of individuals, including ourselves. What this group believes in becomes culture. What this group finds threatening to their harmony becomes crime. What this group considers normal and ethical becomes the basis for law and order. This is why the legal systems and practices have changed to a large extent over time and across cultures.
Where does the suicide victim figure in all this chaos? As a lost human being. Often, in our urge to find a solution to a problem, we turn the process of finding the solution into a proper problem in itself. This is what we term as life. The process of finding solutions and creating newer problems. Mankind is engaged in this process endlessly. Certainly, there are other sources for problems, apart from mankind.
In this constant and undying hunger for problem-solving, people fail to recognize the actual problem. Who is a suicide victim? One of us. Almost always, shock follows a successful suicide. Everybody wants to know the cause. This is yet another principle – cause-and-effect. As though, pain can be alleviated by finding its cause. However, the cause and effect principle certainly helps in the creation of more-paranoid fears and more-intimidating laws. Accordingly, certain actions are perpetually condemned and cast away. Why does a young boy commit suicide? Perhaps, he scored poorly in exams. Why does it become a life or death situation for him? Because, all his life he has been told that failure in exams, is a threat to his future. The basis of survival is sustenance and it is for sustenance that the boy went to a school to study in order that he make a life for himself. Yet, the very act he took up in order to sustain his life, took his life away. Who ended up as a threat to his future? What an irony!
Likewise, all quarrels in human life begin with a feeling of lack. If satisfaction is the goal, a peaceful discussion followed by consensus can work better than a quarrel which (as a means to an end) is the very opposite of the end which one wishes to arrive at (Happiness or Satisfaction). It is like attempting to clean a sewer with slime. Likewise, our regular reactions to an unfortunately failed suicide attempt, would certainly worsen the condition of the poor specimen that just faced one more failure.
My argument is that, the suicide victim is a neglected species. Suicide does not happen overnight. It is a process. It is often that the suicide victim is punished twice. Once with neglect and again with guilt. This guilt is passed on to him by the people around him, who are unable to handle their own guilt of having been indifferent to a fellow being, to the extent of driving him to suicide. Yet, how do our people handle it? With accusation. Fear. Shock. Anger. Irritation. Do they even consider if any of these reactions are going to help the one who attempted for suicide? On the contrary, they would increase his frustration towards life and people. This is how our people clean a sewer with slime.
Personally, I feel, that an attempt for suicide does not come from the lack of emotional stability. On the contrary, it comes from the social apathy towards the victim. By society, I refer to the family, immediate relatives, friends and others. A real suicide victim would be one who lacks support from all of these people. Imagine, a young girl killing herself for some reason. People immediately assume the wildest of possibilities. They would go to any extent to speak of the girl’s character, her boyfriends (whether or not they existed), her family and so on. Suicide itself is feared because it causes a disturbance in regularity and order, and earns the displeasure and unwelcome curiousity of all and sundry.
As such, human beings are unable to face death as a truth. It is still considered to be something avoidable. Capital punishment is the most ridiculous thing that a law can think of. Does the judge pronouncing the sentence expect he would live forever? Or, is he predicting a longer life for himself than the one he sentences? Does he hope to achieve and to acquire all the things he believes he is denying for the accused, before his own lifetime? All this under the funny name of “justice”! In what way are we different from the courts (church) of the middle ages that incorporated supernatural phenomenon into law? (The Witch Burnings)
If at all anybody is punished for a suicide, it should be the people around the victim. However, I don’t believe in punishments because they’re nothing but clean-the-sewer-with-slime acts.
Finally, what a suicide victim needs is not a lesson in gratitude or a lecture on the need to grow up and handle oneself, but some warmth and understanding. Instead, precaution would save a lot of trouble. If people can keep an eye on their friends who are turning into loners, they might be able to give a shoulder in the time of need. Similarly, if people can be a bit more sympathetic than they are, a lot of lonely mortals might find some more reasons to live. If each one builds his own little shell and wishes to lead a hermit life in it, then suicides will increase, due to lack of confidants or empaths. The hermits will also have the tendencies to kill themselves. Perhaps, they were not wrong in saying that “man is a social animal”. A human being needs love and attention atleast from a single soul. Are we going to make a difference to someone?
Somewhere between
Reality and a sprouting dream
I met you iz…
Now hot tar runs over my shadow
An aeon has passed
Like a second
Why did you?
The sand suffocates me
Your fingers have to heal
And send love light to me
I will die like a fallen bud.
Dreadful nightmares
Throng here iz..
The empty streets of reality
Smother me
A weary numbness
Has killed the last scent
Of blue young love in me
Poetry now trickles
Like a shallow stream
Of lifelessness.
I know I have lost something
Yet I have lost the need to know..
Iz dream me up again
Kill me not
Upon a mad girl’s intrusion..
Her failed attempts to live me
Iz raise me up
Again from breathlessness
And burning fumes
That engulf my spirit
Carrying me to a world of apathy.
Iz, take me away
To a world unborn
Like the crystalline tears
Of a deep sea pearl
Unreal and undreamt of.
- Dy
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Personality Disorder Test Results
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Disorder Info
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Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal |
Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.
Paranoid Personality Disorder – individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.
Schizoid
Personality Disorder – individual generally detached from social
relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in
various social settings.
Schizotypal
Personality Disorder – individual is uncomfortable in close
relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities
of behavior.
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Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic |
Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions,
distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.
Antisocial Personality Disorder – individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.
Borderline
Personality Disorder – individual shows a generalized pattern of
instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable
emotions, and significant impulsiveness.
Histrionic
Personality Disorder – individual often displays excessive emotionality
and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to
other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder – individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a
need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early
adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are
very demanding in their relationships.
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Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive |
Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.
Avoidant Personality Disorder – individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism
Dependent
Personality Disorder – individual shows an extreme need to be taken
care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging
behavior.
Obsessive-Compulsive
Personality Disorder – individual is preoccupied with orderliness,
perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and
efficiency.
Being in love with you is a holy war
Even you cannot intrude
What do I care for your mortal responses
Or your twisted perceptions of its beauty
What do I care for your warped vision
Or the painful analogies you dream up
You can stab our love
A hundred times in its heart
I am here to save it from your clutches
I am here to remind our love
Of the beautiful times we had together
I love you and I love our love
All you can see with your astigmatic eyes
Are the future and the past
My love transcends all
And stands unpolluted by your malice
Your vicious criticism
Does not dissect its sacred heart
Your lies cannot touch its sanctity
My love hides in the safe depths
Of my ripped heart
I shall protect it till death
And neither you
Nor your clan of plunderers
Can reach to it
And touch it with your sinful hands
Loving you is a crusade
That is beyond you
Or your stunted understanding.
My dearest
I was made this way. I never had a reason to love you for it to be snatched away and for my love to end. Loving you was never an effort or a burden. Loving you came to me like breathing. Now I am breathless. I realize that my own ways of loving someone were so beautifully expressed in the time I spent with you. I love myself when I love you.
Life is short. The pages ahead are a few in number. I have watermarked all of them with your image. It was a choice. It was certainly the sanest thing to do. Loving you is the most natural thing that I have been created for. I dont expect anyone to understand, not even you..
My heart has been in pieces for a long time now. Ever since I can remember hurts have accumulated. They lie in a pile in a dusty corner of my heart. I am too afraid to rummage through them. They choked me a lot before I knew you. After I knew you, the dimensions of life changed. What do I care for hurts now? Or for pain, or tears? What does anything or anyone mean to me? I shall be insane. In your love. I don’t see why I should participate in a real world and its play-acting. Let me be myself. If I were to be myself, then I will spend my life loving you.
Do I care for tomorrows? Would I be audacious enough to? I can only smile a “no”. My tomorrows are like the ever-changing hues of an evening. They evade me. I shall quit battling with them. They say tomorrows are made by today’s choices. I make only a single choice. Of loving you.
My dearest..all the moments we spent talking, in happiness, in tears of joy and of sorrow, all the consolations, the laughter, the pain, the longing, the distance, the faceless dreams, the formless fantasies; the most prolific period of my life.. what else was I expected to do, than love you day and night and weave dreams.. Do I feel so contented doing the other things of my life? Do others matter? The answer is an evident “no”. I shall delude myself into a throne in your heart and live there like an insane princess.
Fortunately, my dreams are insurmountably engulfed by walls of loneliness. There is no threat to my illusions. I have the right to insanity within the fortress of my dreams. There is none to condemn or criticize my dreams. I can laugh at the world for all the moulds they cast for me. In my dream world, all their moulds are tightly sealed in glass cases where they suffocate to death. My own dreams flutter about in the mist surrounded by love and laughter.
I shall love you feverishly. Even when it means nothing to you. Loving you is its own reward. If silent nights bring my memories back to you, smile to yourself and drift into blissful sleep. I shall not love anyone but you. Laugh and dream up your wings with feathers. Fly away and free..
“Going to Pieces” is terrible process. It feels like you have swallowed something that would neither sink in nor throw itself up. It always begins with a terrible shock. Like you are being flung headlong from a great height. It begins with denial and anger. As realization dawns, it becomes a dull, dull, dull day. It is what I would term a “sultry pain”. It neither clears up with a cool breeze nor with the child’s face. You run and run from it. It stays because wherever you go, you cannot run away from yourself. It is uncomfortable and kneads at your innards. It is plain suffering to say the least. It begins at the throat and travels in heavy waves across the chest and ends at the diaphragm with certain discomfort. It pains and you cannot groan. You cannot wince. You’d see your comforts taken care of but something would be terribly wrong. Restlessness and inability to speak up are characteristic of “Going to pieces”. Almost always, a part of your soul would be singed or shattered. You wish to console yourself thinking it must be some joke. But, like I once said in a poem, “Reality looms larger than life”. This dull pain is incommunicable. Almost always you will be ridiculed for complaining of any emotional sickness. As an added element..this one has no visible symptoms – no tears, no fever, no heart attack. Only to add to your long day. It is horrible. Writing about it helps, no doubt. Right now, I am in one of those processes, unfortunately. Once again in my life, I have found myself here. What fun! I have been here before. It only seems to get worse and amazingly enough, every time, the cause has been a betrayal. Long live, betrayal! It hurts like hell you bloody idiot. The most amusing in part in this amusing story of my life is that I am still here! I should have known. Life is a bitch. A sarcastic one at that. It refuses to kill me, this bloody damned son of a bitch prison. You won’t die of course! Try harder..hahaha! Life certainly won’t let me live. Give me a break. What were you thinking! This is a terrible war though. I have survived this before and it helps little to reduce my arrogance. I will stick around after this one and be ready to take ten more cannon shots right in my chest. What do you say!
I knew all the time I was dying
Now I must be too dead
Even to remember
Or to react.
I am turning into hard clay
I am not fitting into moulds
Not anymore.
I have sculpted myself
I reject all your offers
To chisel me into something
That you think is beautiful.
I know why the free bird sings
It must feel like me.
Free and free and free.
Shadows part ways
At street corners
They throw themselves
Against walls
Like some significance.
Then they watch themselves
Over puddles of rain.
They laugh.
I felt the fireworks in me.
I know them.
They are a splutter of greens
Reds and nubile oranges.
They feel like seashores and laughter.
Like sunsets and songs.
I know it before people laugh
And cry before they cry.
I have watched many a cloud
Gliding past me
Watched lightnings strike
Rain and soggy paperboats.
Many fences break like creaky wood.
Were you even there
When I made poems
Of rain castles and trembling leaves?
Sunsets I sat through alone
Smelling the distant clouds
And the downpour that slept in their folds.
I smiled and laughed like a baby flower.
I brandished a gleaming golden sword
At life and at death.
I breathed and lived like a desperation.
I choked and sputtered back to life.
Lonely walks with dry leaves
And little elves
Tiny flowers in that open field.
Stars that called me their own.
I felt wet clay between my fingers
I loved it into a shape.
Come there is emptiness
Beckoning like truth
All fire melting in a sea
Throw your dreams
Into this huge wishing well
Believe in angels
Be a little shameless
And naked
Imagine you’re a frenzy
Come
Life calls
You are the reason to be.
Come to me
I will show you the sunrays
Dancing in a thousand lakes.
I will fling your windows open
For light, water and life
I will laugh you into happiness.
Come I will wrap you
In a little meaninglessness
And free you from those little cells
You have shut yourself up in.
Come we will walk through
The wildest of dreams barefeet
And forests with stones
Nudging at our soles
Laugh and laugh
Make wreathes of a hundred
Beautiful leaves
Speak to the bees
The splash of rain on our faces.
The Back Scratchers T-Shirt
There used to be a competition at school called “Go wild!” where we had to find alternative uses for everyday objects.
Something like the way the guys in “Whose line is it anyway?” are asked to use some funky colored shapes for various purposes mostly comically. I happened to literally Stumbleupon something called Chindogu. The Nonist has an interesting set of pictures too of gadgets such as “The Personal Rainsaver” and “Cockroach Swatting Slippers” Hope there is no insect activist around!
Apparently,
Chindōgu (珍道具) is the not-so-ancient Japanese art of inventing ingenious everyday gadgets that, on the face of it, seem like an ideal solution to a particular problem. However, Chindōgu has a distinctive feature: anyone actually attempting to use one of these inventions, would find that it causes so many new problems, or such significant social embarrassment that effectively it has no utility whatsoever. Thus, Chindōgu are sometimes described as ‘unuseless’ – that is, they cannot be regarded as ‘useless’ in an absolute sense, since they do actually solve a problem; however, in practical terms, they cannot positively be called ‘useful’. Source: Wikipedia – Chindogu
It reminded me of another set of researches that have been awarded the Ignobel Prize. I keep going back to these for two reasons.
i) Inspiration
ii) Imagination
These researchers are seemingly mad at the outset. Of course, that will lead us to other discussions on “What is madness?” (Foucauldian and otherwise).. Upon closer observation we notice that it is indeed hard to produce a simple gadget out of complex theories. 
Ignobel research in Literature studies Nigerian Spam Mails. It is hilarious in the whackiest sense of the word. It studies these letters terming them “a bold series of short stories” I am sure the fortunate ones among us who have a bulk mail folder in Yahoo have had the privilege of receiving mails from Ngobe Ngayaka, Chief Oyinbolowo Eko and other such afflicted souls with millions of dollars stowed away at a certain bank which they are willing to donate to an unknown-yet-fortunate-you! 
Well coming back to Chindogu, it evokes in me questions about so-called social respectability. I often wonder why people don’t run on the roads instead of walking! I mean, why not? Remembered seeing some similar gadgets in Acme cartoons and in “Wallace and Gromit”. Yeah, and America always competes with Japan right? 
Here goes – America’s Most Absurd Patents!
Yep, this post has a lot of links but all of them are worth looking at!
