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I am drowned in dreams… somebody stop me. 
All my life, all I ever had was language.
After my first breakup, I did not cry. I wrote a poem.
When my mother died, I wrote some more.
Whenever I felt like there was no escape, I turned to writing… that is the only thing I have ever had.
I regret choosing technical writing for a career. I am not technical or structured. My mind is way too amorphous. And I learned my lesson when I was told I am not good because I missed an article out of a sentence.
I am quitting. About to start from scratch as an artist, an insane creator and a passionate poet.
Be there with me.
Watch this space…
“I don’t wanna send mixed signals to you. I do like you a lot, a whole lot, and you’re very precious. But, i don’t think i love you with the intensity that you do. I want you to know i’m not ready for anything in my life right now. Don’t want you misled. You’re free, as much as i’m. I’m sorry if i’ve hurt you. i’m sorry if i’ve hurt you, but my feelings for you are genuine, sincere. But i’m a weak person now, and from your perspective, a loser. But i need to collect myself, and i don’t know how long it takes, but until i do so, you’re not bound by anything. If you do find someone who deserves you more, i’ll call it my bad luck. I’m appreciative of how you’ve made me feel! And guilty of how i’ve made you feel. WE could be a thing of the future, but is it definite, and when it would happen, i don’t know.”
*ahem* (puts on gloves and mask) I have quite some shit to handle here.
Well, well, well! To begin with, what the fuck are you talking about?
A “hurt” me.
A me who loves you with an “intensity” that you cannot match.
A person who you are guilty of for the way I am feeling.
Ok! Get this into your head. Use some nails if you want some added strength in sticking this idea to your skull. It is not so easy to hurt me! You have no clue how I am feeling so stop making crappy shit out of nowhere. You don’t have the power to make me feel victimized, lost or hurt because you are a non-entity deep down inside me. Deep down, only I exist with my own dreams and plans. Such brutal honesty would hurt you… but face it! Nobody needs anybody else.
Now, about my intensity… yeah it has been a subject of intrigue and innumerable disturbances in all my relationships. I am INTENSE. Incredibly so. Most people cannot handle it. The weaker ones suffocate and die. The stronger ones learn to handle it and use it to their advantage. Some of my best friends are really, really strong people.
About misleading me, don’t even try! It is not possible. I might look like a sucker who follows you like a lost puppy. One fine morning, I will pack my bags and leave. I will take all your bloated self-esteem with me. And you will be bankrupt. Don’t drive me to that.
From my perspective you’re a loser and a weak person. Yes you are! And that thought is of little relevance to my life, except for some motivation to improve my own self and be different from what I perceive you or similar losers to be.
As for the rest of the blah blah about your indecisiveness, your inability to predict your own decisions and the time it will take to make those decisions, your incompetency in identifying your own strengths and what you’re ready for etc… is not my headache! You had an opportunity and you lost it. Blame yourself for it, if you want to. I am as free as I was on the first day I met you. Sorry, if I sounded dependent – I was not. Sorry if I sounded vulnerable – I am not.
My future is what I make of it. Unfortunately, your future would be what you did not make of it.
Good luck and good bye!
Now for the truth.
You have to work harder and improve your tactics in conning people. My bullshit detectors are on 99% of the time. There is very little I lost to you and because of you. Better luck next time.
It is no miracle that you taste like rain
It is a miracle how you carry the scents of a lost train of thought
Or a tune from some forgotten notebook
How your fingers arouse eons of dormant flowers sleeping
Untouched in untended gardens.
How you are singularly beautiful
Like parallel sunbeams carrying volatile dust
And like the random little flower surprises in ruined forts.
How you make broken bits of dreams gather themselves
And become cumulus clouds bursting with moisture.
With you, love is as easy as the heady momentum
In a childhood swing.
Little dream, dancing in the moonlight
Here’s a song, for you this dark night
Little flower, starry dream, simple
Prancing about like a lamb, nimble
Tiny, fledgling-feathered, child of love
Singing into my mind, then and now
Shiny-quilled, flighty bird of paradise
Raining thin music like sweet-voiced lies
Angel feet skipping on the blue bridge
Flying tinkerbell into the misty ridge
Brittle clouds breaking into little shapes
Stillness painting yellow-gray, the landscapes
Little dream, fighting off wing clippers
Walking on dewy grass in lady’s slippers
Dying lamplight thronged by waltzing moths
Dainty love hopping through winding paths
Frail hope fishing for windy stars
Night dark stroking on early scars
Little dream dancing in the moonlight
I make a song for you this dark night
Just that, dreams are with pain replete
And this song trails off, incomplete…
