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Last night there was a power failure for 4 hours. I thought to myself “This is how it feels to be alone in a dark and silent room”. There was a thunderstorm outside.
Then I remembered the homeless man I saw in the evening. He was crouching on the sidewalk with a plastic sheet over his head to protect him from the rain. The place where he usually slept had drowned under a puddle of water.
How does it feel to be alone in a dark and silent world?
And remember….
DAFFY DUCK IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me and my friend get into the train and there is a couple who just get in. The girl is pregnant and they don’t have a lower berth. I’m on a lower berth. They seem to be thinking they have two lower berths whereas they have none. The wife is worried like crazy. The husband is thinking that there is one lower berth but later realizes he has to go to the upper berth and the wife climbs to the middle berth. They could have asked me but I recently had a broken bone remember? I lie down on my lower berth, make myself comfortable and fish out “On the Road” by Jack Kerouac. Then I fall asleep even as I’m reading…
Every possible derailment news story comes to my mind. I’m really worried in what position I’ll be stuck if there is a derailment. Can I really crawl out of where I would be? Will the driver know that certain compartments have got derailed or will he continue to drive the train and will I wake up in middle of the meadows. I have a disturbed sleep.
I wake up at 5.15 am promptly and do so many funny things like walking up and down, asking someone where the train is at present, etc. Then I wake my friend up at 5.30. We make such a lot of rustling bed clothes, ruffling covers and whispering and giggling that everyone else is up. Now everyone is looking daggers at us. We behave like nothing has happened and look outside the window with sly smiles. >:)
We get off the train and the hot air and smelly platforms remind me I’m back at the most horrid place on earth – Chennai. I’ll have more reminders. Me and my friend drag our luggage and find the prepaid auto stand. We should have walked half the distance home. Before we could go to the counter we have umpteen auto drivers trying to lure us away. We ignore them and get the prepaid tickets to our respective places. I go ahead and I forget to say bye to her. As soon as I go to the auto stand, I hear the auto men rain expletives at each other, simply for the fun of it. They seem to be having a ball calling my auto driver names in front of me. Irritation is beginning to show up in me. I get into the auto quietly. A few metres ahead there is a guy checking the prepaid ticket. And my auto driver makes some cheap comment about what I presumed was an intended vasectomy on the guy. By now, I was really pissed off.
I told the auto guy, “You and your friends are behaving very indecent.” And he said “Who?”. Then I said “You have been speaking swear words ever since I got into the auto”. The auto guy is perturbed.
The the following argument ensues:
Auto guy: They are my friends. This is how we talk.”
I: Don’t do that in front of me. I don’t have to put up with it.
Auto guy: This is like our home. You’re inside our home. You better behave the way we tell you to.
I:If I complain to the police that you’re all engaging in eve-teasing then you’ll get beaten up right inside your home.
Auto guy: We’re friends. We have been friends all our lives. We always speak like this.
I: Don’t you have some professionalism?
Auto guy: Your work style is different. Our work style is different.
I: Then you change your work style.
Auto guy: (stops the auto) Madam! Please get off from the auto. If you can come quietly you come. No need to advise me.
I: I still think what you did is wrong and you’re trying to justify it.
He asks me for the prepaid ticket. I refuse to give it. I tear it in bits and put it inside my bag 
. I get off the auto and take another auto for 12 rupees more. I have no regrets.
Back to my gloomy apartment I find there is a power cut. I heave my luggage up two floors and collapse on the sofa, gasping for breath.
Yeah baby! You’re back to the grind! 
I don’t need your approval any more. I waited a long and lonely time for your attention to turn upon me. Why should I sell my remaining days to you? You are spineless, indecisive and self-centred. I don’t need your moral superiority or judgments. I’m trying to live a life here. A life that I fought for. Everything has not come easily to me. Keep your fake values to yourself.
Your mind is filth. You know it. And you cannot go around like some god. You’re just afraid and I am not. Keep your filthy fake mind off me!
Today I want to write a lot.
I am skating on the layer of chocolate over a donut.
When was the last time you walked in the rain with a cigarette and a nice friend named Sugar man?
Me yesterday! Bwahaha!
My best friend is acting stupid and for once I can ask him to stop acting stupid. Nice to be the smarter one for once. *evil grin* (Stupid! Dont be upset… you’ll get over it!)
I spoke to chocolate man over the phone and he was as distracted, preoccupied and confused as ever. Did not understand any of my questions and could not decipher any of my answers. Loooooza!
Cat man pretends like I’m not at Bangalore. Lol. Poor cat man wants to avoid me coz seeing me would hurt him! What a sentimental wobbly man!
And then there are all kinds of other men with all kinds of other excuses.
1. T is not at Bangalore at all.
2. Cat man would never call me as long as I am here.
3. Choc I have already given up.
4. Tech is acting stupid about some girl.
5. Sugar is so clingy I feel like rapping him over his head. *clout*
6. Tom Hanks is lazy. Pah!
I’m not any of the above and therefore I win. Muahaha!
I’ll be getting a hair cut over the weekend and eating out like crazy! And me and Madhu and Jinkies will be eating lots of donuts.. damn you all!
Disclaimer: If you’re left out in this list, it probably means you were not so mean to me after all.
Horrible horrible day! It started at about 11.30 last night. This horrible feeling in my tummy that is anxiety plus vulnerability plus sorrow plus loneliness plus self-hatred.
I need a break from my mind. Wish I had a pensieve! Or some place where I can keep my mind shelved for some time.
Why do I suck so bad at math? I’m beginning to blame all the choices I ever made. If only I were younger and could start all over again.
I need this space to vent everything out. There is no human support really. Right? So all I can do it write, write and write.
I hate income tax. I don’t understand jack shit about it. Oh god.. why am I so stupid!
I don’t like these new things that are happening out of the blue. I should have been more prepared. Why should I care? He was never really mine.
And I was never really his.
Why is my life so different from everybody else’s? Is it just me? Why do I end up with people who have time for everything else except me? @#&%^$)*&##$@
Life, dear bitch! Let me see… I think I am ready for more! Lol…
X: 
i dont want to hear 
i have a life
be sensitive
give me my space
_______________________________
me: but i cannot motivate myself enough
no strength
Y: i cant explain everything
me: is this when ppl need a god
10:46 PM
Y: i know
me: am trying to keep away from tht bent of mind
10:47 PM
Y: hmm
10:48 PM
me: i know i need a human being and not anything or anybody else
Y:
i hv the strength but not the inclination right now
_________________________________________
nobody likes me
Z: what nonsense?
me: yeah
i ask everyone
10:22 PM
and nobody says yes
Z: Why do yo ukeep asking?
I don’t ask anyone
I don’t care
me: i do
i wanna be liked
10:23 PM
Z: If you keep asking, it’s irritating
no one will talk to you if they dislike you
me: they talk coz i pester them
Z: right!
I could block you
if I wanted to
__________________________________________
Are these people really trying to help me? Is it just me who thinks otherwise?
1. Don’t worry! Remember the punk wannabe on the pulsar who just cut you across to overtake you at 80 kmph? You’ll meet him at the next signal.
Inference: You can do 40 kms and get home in 20 mins than do 80 kms in 10 mins and wait 10 mins at the signal.
2. Try to concentrate on the centre of the black haze in front of your eyes after a high beam headlight hits you square on the face.
Inference: Your headlights could be on high-beam too!
3. There is always a pot hole.
Inference: There is always a pot hole.
4. An auto-man always wants his U-turn
Inference: Give an auto man his U-turn and your limbs are intact.
5. Watch out for the moron who slides between a bus and a car to go to office on time.
Inference: You are the moron!
6. Watch out for the old man who rides at 10 kmph on the flyover!
Inference: You are behind him and in front of a bus speeding at 80 kmph.
7. Watch out for the gay men who actually don’t know if they are riding on the median
Inference: You are the median!
8. Ignore the moron who honks when the signal is red and the timer says 98.
Inference: Some people are color blind and illiterate.
9. Never rush when the timer says 1. It is no indication the signal is green.
Inference: Sometimes timers are only there to give counting lessons.
10. Practice zen and the art of motorcycle rider maintenance.
Inference: GET HOME ALIVE!
The last week has been full of extreme mood swings. I have been unable to sleep without pills. I don’t know why I do this to myself.
I’m beginning to see how speciously people would argue in order to escape making choices. Or how they would completely ignore your silent screams for an answer. I’m not patient. I’m not patient at all. I always want answers immediately. I don’t know why people require two or three weeks to think something through. I never take that much time to think and most of my decisions work because I make them work.
Unfortunately, I always interpret a delay in reply as a ‘no’. And I’m quick to make new decisions. At the end of it all, I find myself in a big lake of soup.
Whatever!
Yesterday I did the following things:
1. Read 5 chapters of “An Equal Music” and it got too heavy after that.
2. Downloaded 7 songs
Kitaro – Mountain Streams
Kitaro – A tropical rainforest
Kitaro – Storms of Africa
Kitaro – Oriental Chinese Bamboo Flute
Zen Meditation Music – Nature Sounds
Eternal Ocean Wave Sounds with music
The Shins – Kissing the Lipless (Wanted to know why SK was listening to it 24/7 
)
3. Slept for 2 hours
4. Caught two black ants in a bottle with the idea of making them my pets. Fed them with sugar and bournvita. Felt really bad for them after some time and let them go.
5. Drew the picture of a butterfly on Opera Artist’s Sketchbook widget
Un Papillon :-)
6. And my achievement for the day: Won 100 points in trivia on Opera Chat (The_Matrix). Top scorer for the day. My chat nick is AgentSmite.
My friends called me to the beach and I refused to go. Yesterday was a very indoors day.
I’m thinking of doing the following things:
1. Stop playing the fool at work.
2. Reduce my phone bills.
3. Go to the gym more regularly.
4. Free my mind from relationships.
5. Get a life.
6. Work hard and play harder.
7. Regulate my mood.
8. Sleep on time (if necessary, with pills)
9. Give a damn.
10. Get a life.
Last week I put up with so much bullshit that I was surprised by my own passivity. I really really need to get more formidable and put people in their places. I have been letting people walk all over me. I’ll show them! (Add expletives here! :p)
What a way to start the week!
Have a great week ahead peeps!
