I am listening to “Swallowed in the Sea” by Coldplay.
Earlier such songs dragged me into them and suffocated me. Or they produced in me spasms of love, longing, pleasure and pain. Now the song sounds like a meaningless whisper halfway between sleep and waking. It brings with it some nostalgia of an earlier me. Yet, the sleep overwhelms me.
It is either that something in me is dead or alive. Something is deader than it was or more alive than it was. I think the “me” in me is more alive and what is dead is the “other” I craved and longed for.
I think I have “turned into something beautiful”…. I have dropped all my baggage behind.. I feel like I have died or am very close to death. I feel pure and free.
I am cold yet not numb. I am warm yet not alive. I am asleep yet not dreaming. I am awake yet not breathing.
I feel like something in me has transmogrified or died. Something in me is a new-born smelling of darkness.
Perhaps I should not write about it and chain it to words and to an experience. Perhaps I should let myself be…