I am alive

White paint on sky
Birds growing and disappearing
Orange and black
Loneliness
I read
I try not to understand
Not understand what I read
Dream of him coming home
Regretting about leaving me
I fly
Into warmth
My childhood
Smells like dad
And the coziness
Of mother’s lap
The impotence of memories
Uninhibited silences
I dream
Of assortments and haze
In solitude
I weep
Uncontrollably myself
I crave
I find them invisible
Elephants on my bed
Listen
I descend
Sleeplessly into pain
I mourn
Dead yet undead past
Sweet tears
Violating mirrors
I paint
A different him
I die
Moment by moment
I forget to live
I write
Caught in the self
I swirl
Inimitably sad
Proud me
I slither onto paper
I crave
For absent love
Knock and the doors
Are shut on my face
In wooden stoniness.
I seek
I am called shameless
I crave
Deserted
Self-sympathizer I am
Narcissist
Forced to live
With rejected me
I reject myself
Self-depracative
I violate
All affirmations
Lies
In this I wallow
I swallow hard
Await death
Meaninglessly I work
Harder and harder
I drive myself
Love I imagine
Against futility blatant
Intensely
I suffer life
I am alive.

2 thoughts on “I am alive

  1. Rain abated breath
    Aren’t you mirth
    Regurgitated, swathed?
    What of your mantle, bathed
    Pure, and of the mirror?
    Dark, dazzled fever?

    What of cream murals
    And self potraits, gutturals?
    Speech, music and you?
    What of you, dark-you?
    Liar. Hypocrite. Sham.
    Sun-dried swamp.

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