I woke up one morning with a feeling that I have very less time left on this beautiful earth… and I wanted to live that time the way I want to live it.. and that had nothing to do with meeting rooms, coffee, computer monitors, power naps, time management, deadlines and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I wanted to be able to dream once again and sail through it in slow motion. I wanted to read poetry and talk for hours about critical theory, insane minds, writing, the intensity in creativity and how moments explode into infinity when you are silent and lost, with your eyes affixed to a point in nothingness.
I envy Shelley and Keats… they burnt and burnt like stupendous fires and went away in the whiff of a strong breeze, their light dazzling the daylights out of us long after they are gone.. and I am not free to choose my death. Not free to die when death kindly stops for me… I am given the gift of life that weighs like a loving cross and crushes me under its dead weight.. with it comes smiles, kisses, hugs, warmth, affection and love. I learn to love it and live it and fight the silence and contentment to keep running. When I stop running, the panic descends upon me like darkness with invisible arms.
Silence brings with it questions and reminders and ideals to aspire for and places yet unseen… silence is full of noise. Noise is comfortably numbing and distracts the brain … noise becomes silence. So I run from the silence towards noise… clamorous clutter… I run towards thunders and hailstorms to drown my mind in the cacophony and to drown the awkward realities.. I run. I run from the pain and the death.
Then I tire and sit at the end of the long road… weary and thirsty for answers.. I cannot face my questions and I cannot face my answers.. the tumult rises to a crescendo in the mind and the sun scorches on. The questions become a turbulent sea and mock my hapless inadequacy … they become a gigantic tidal wave and crash upon my head like a blow from a thousand fists… and I die. I die to the need to answer and seek… I die to the need to search and the need to escape.. I die to the falsity that is the distance between the question and the answer. I die. The silence becomes persistent.
“Between truth and falsity lies the question
Between falsity and truth lies the answer”